05-21-13
yesterday, got rejected from the cr job i wanted but whilst moaning and groaning about that lost, immediately learned that i will have a comic strip in the la weekly! life balances itself out
05-19-13
i got eggs in so many baskets but i don’t even know if i can produce that many eggs
- music comic
- cr graphic design
- personal graphic design
- pr graphic design
- art shows
- and of course, my current job
05-15-13
“Thanks for the application.
You understand $25/hr. puts you at a rate that BBA B-school kids get out of college, right? You should also get on dribbble seriously if you want employers to take you seriously. Not trying to be harsh. You just don’t stand out at all otherwise and you have limited credibility not being on those sites as an aspiring creative. Behance, Forrst, Dribbble. Beg, borrow, and steal from people better from you — many of them are on those sites. Get on them if you’re serious about graphic design.
Best of luck!
Bank”
Pretty tough rejection letter to read but ultimately still productive. I need to get onto social design sites and put my stuff out there…which leads me to another thought: it’s about time i acquiesce to the audience and meet them halfway, at least with presentation of my skills. i feel like i’ve been working along the presumption that i know i’m good enough, but my face-value presentation doesn’t show any of that. now i see why alex would get frustrated with me for not following through on my works all the way — i could’ve had so many portfolio pieces were i just DOING things. i think this is my own personal and quiet rebellion, not trying to meet these standards of presentability, and yet in doing so i am defying everything that graphic design stands for — a mutual agreement between usability (the audience) and art (the creator) — and in applying for jobs using this kind of portfolio is really akin to kicking myself in the mouth over and over again.
each day i find more parts of myself that make me more immature than previously thought. there reaches a point where all my staunch rebellion really does me more harm than good. i don’t want to give it up…but i should meet people halfway.
goals for this week:
- finish daft punk comic
- work on two pieces of art
- work on one graphic design piece
- begin to think about how to restructure my work to be more design-friendly
05-13-13
today, as i was tediously painting in the shadows of a painting for the criminal hygiene show, i wondered if this was all worth it. after all, i seemed to be getting the most publicity (read: approval) from my daily comics than from my paintings, which seemed to be going relatively unnoticed during the show. also, to me at least, they seemed pretty haphazardly put together and i know i could’ve done a better job on all of this. i can’t control a lot of things though — like getting on there on time to anticipate any hanging problems since i don’t drive. i finished my work anyway and got lena to drive me over.
there are things that are really nice, like immediate gratification of facebook likes. also writing comics helps me put an introspection of my life through a visual (and sometimes difficult) lens. it’s nice to know that people relate to me. i need to (i will get) back on that tomorrow.
i go to the show, me and lena are tired and relatively sedate. have some troubles hanging up (thumb tacks are actually not thumb friendly…noted) and end up just taping things up. not the best presentation, but that’s life. i don’t stress about it because it’s a small show.
at the end of the show, my friends’ band’s publicist pulls me aside and tells me she likes my work. always nice to hear compliments in person! looks like she wants to work with me, which brings on the possibility of ACTUALLY MAKING MONEY OFF MY ART. this is mind-blowing. this is crazy. this is so boggling, because i’ve spent so much time on my internet reading up on how hard it is to make money doing illustration. i’d pretty much given up on it — contemplated showing my stuff to an agency to get representation, but considered the fact that i want to be designing stuff right now for financial stability, and pushed that to the backburner. these small band shows and facebook posts would have to be enough for now.
so i guess there’s this strange up-and-down balance of self-doubt and perseverance, and it looks like things are always harder in my mind than actually putting things through motion. i’ve been working my ass off for myself this month and a half and it’s paid off, and i really can’t believe it’s paid off in such a short amount of time. i’m ready to kick ass and work my ass off even more.
sober deborah is the most productive deborah of my life. i’m entirely ready to be a workaholic because as of this point, i know i’m in the right direction. i don’t know what my endpoint is, but all i know is that it involves art…and i’m definitely getting there.
baby steps and a lot of self-ass-kicking. i can do that.
05-09-13
y apologized two days ago. i’ve still been processing it. i’m not ready to be her friend yet because everything still stings and i just felt like i was getting better — and literally the month i stop thinking about her, she comes back in to my life. i’m not ready for that again. part of me wonders if saying no is some habitual, “safe” prolongment of the drama. i can’t help but feel a sigh of relief though. the times i’ve imagined her on the other side of the world, hating me, blocking me out of her memory as i did for her. the other part of me just wants to completely move on, but i know i have to deal with this or else i’ll have a lot of unresolved issues within myself.
i guess this is nice, though. i stopped wanting this a while ago, i almost gave in to the idea of losing all my money for the sake of never dealing with it again…but the past never stays buried. i can’t even call her by her nickname anymore. who she is in her messages and what she symbolizes in my mind are so incongruent. i’m still trying to understand how all this stuff is working out in my mind.
it’s been nearly a year.
on a different note, have two internship offers. i was initially hesitant to do internships because i feel like my work is worth money — and it fucking IS — but the truth of the matter is i need to bulk up my portfolio. my interview with cr went swimmingly, and it looks like they’re looking to hire which means my internship would probably last four months at best. i’m fine with that. i’ve never had an interview go so well — i was amicable, they laughed, and the marketing director seemed to really enjoy my eat shit and die shirt (lol). the other internship would be super near-nepotistic but it’s through l at pc as a graphic design intern. i already know most of the people there so i think it would be a pretty easy transition, but i kinda want to keep my social life and work life seperate. i still fantasize about marrying off somebody loaded within that social circle to get rid of all my money problems, but we all know that would solve nothing.
i think i’m gonna get the job at cr (crosses fingers!!!!!!!!!!!!). i’m really excited to have a somewhat corporate job, i’m really excited to take on a lot of creative responsibility, and i’m excited to see my stuff on big products and advertisements and billboards and shoots. oh man oh man oh man. i’m sure it won’t be all cracked out to be as i have it in my mind (as per usual) but i look forward to the challenge of being a real working woman. i’ve been so informal this past year, i need to get out of the house and away from my room.
art show went really well, looks like i have my first art residency. :)
05-03-13
one of those days where i feel way in over my head. summer is a month away, college is out, and where am i? i feel like this grandiose timeline of milestones i had in my head is oh-so-very-far-away. i don’t think i’ll ever live up to my naive career expectations.
on a brighter note, i have lived up to my cultural expectations. but that was the easy part. and now comes the harder part — where i have to substantiate my cultural facade. oh what joy! mostly what terror and disappointment thus far.
each day i’m not working, i wonder what i’m doing wrong. when left by myself, i think i tend to struggle — particularly in this somewhat-independent “adulthood.” i wish i had no worries but i guess then i wouldn’t be me. i wonder if i should just settle and take that low-rate internship job — at the same time, i know my work isn’t up to par to be paid the salary i would like. oh…well.
04-01(2)-13
today’s first social extroversion test went swimmingly. surprisingly nice being sober at a party. i feel like i’m in much more control, and i have more control than i think. went to wine and weed at the cinema house and i was initially daunted by all the people i knew but i talked to kyle, coursey, phillips, and randomly jammed with a bunch of people. overall a pretty nice night — so this is a good start to the month.
also talking to people in high school that i didn’t talk to that often — really nice as well. i’m glad people respond so well to my comics/art. i know that somewhere someone probably hates them, but that’s fine. KEEP DA HATERS AT BAY
also pleasantly lightly high. not high enough to be babbling, but like a soft buzz that puts a smile on my face.
moderation is nice.
05-01-13
and when the opportunity arises that you feel like you should google/facebook stalk those you’ve loved and lost to see how wildly successful and happy they are now — DON’T, DO NOT DO IT. your self dignity is worth the restraint. comparisons are irrelevant.
april showers bring may flowers
04-29-13
new goal: be more open and present and receiving towards other people, be more comfortable with myself in the process.
i don’t regret things that went on with gavi — after all, there seems to be some crazy inexplicable connection that still lingers after all the abuse i give him. it was because i was open to the idea, i was willing to explore it and open myself to him. even though that’s over, something still exists.
i’m ready to be happy.
04-29-30
oh, also forgot. storyboarding and character design for animation. i still want to do that as well. gonna start taking classes for this shit.
